The Story continues

Jonas Simonis, born 1930, was a lucky lad born into one of the most money laden family in Texas. They had built their fortune on a sand bar separating Texas and Mexico, allowing them to go tax free for most of the 19th century, giving them money trade on both sides of the border.
But alas, the Internal Revenue Agency played the ace against them and forced them to move on shore of Texas soil, took their cattle in back taxes and made them earn an honest living...of sorts...
Jonas found his revenge in buying an oil rig with what was left of his fortune, and began marketing the snake oil of the 20th century-petroleum jelly.
He had made contact with Robert Chesebrough, a young chemist whose previous work of distilling fuel from the oil of sperm whales had been rendered obsolete by petroleum, went to Titusville to see what new materials had commercial potential. Chesebrough took the unrefined black "rod wax", as the drillers called it, back to his laboratory to refine it and explore potential uses.
He did not consider the black gold of any worth, but used that revenue to market the medical elixer to all of America in the mid 1940's, that made the war effort a lot more successful in treating herpes and other skin diseases that affected the skin. During World War II, a variety of petroleum jelly called dark red veterinary petroleum jelly was often included in life raft survival kits. Acting as a sunscreen, it provides protection against ultraviolet rays
He furthered his fortune by expanding into the animal kingdom and marketed the benefits for pets which included stopping fungi from developing on aquatic turtles' shells and keeping cats from making messes when they cough up furballs.
By the time 1959 arrived, Dan Simonis was guaranteed a life of luxury left to him by his father, the lube king of the midwest, who cornered the market of the cosmetic industry. Nothing would match it until Mary Kay came onto the scene. But Dan had other ideas of his own, playing in the back yard with his ukelele, making simple tunes to pass the dull days of summer in the west Texas heat, depleted of any visual or audio stimulas, he struggled to entertain himself. And it paid off eventually. The story continues...

We Appreciate Your Business

The West Texas Millionaires hope you enjoy our Tall Texas Tales and other stories about the boys, and would like to encourage you to buy the cd located at our site:

http://westtexasmillionaires.com/music.html

You will enjoy an array of Americana style music and story telling lyrics that will leave you wanting to listen again.

Texas Tall Tales

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TEXAN WHO GAVE HIS SON A fancy new cowboy outfit? It was a 200,000-acre ranch.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TEXAN WHO WAS VERY RICH AND VERY SHORT? Instead of wearing elevator shoes, he just had the state lowered.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TEXAN WHO CAME INTO HIS FORTUNE THROUGH a stroke of luck? His uncle had a stroke and left him everything.

The History Begins

It all begins in 1884, When Ben Semonis moves from Illinois, to marry Elizabeth in Langtry, Texas, at the Jersey Lilly Saloon court room and pool hall. There was so much disregard on where the border was between the US and Mexico that Ben set up his homestead on the Maher-Fitzsimmons sandbar, ten years before the namesakes creation. He no longer had to pay taxes, and gained a large sum of money for the family to gain acreage for raising cattle.
Investments grew, and then technology, and Ben's son Carvel bought the first tower called an oil rig, and began drawing crude from the sand bar, earning the family thousands of dollars. Carvel kept dredging sand towards the sandbar to create more "land" for the family, and soon reached 20 acres of sandbar in the river. People were catching on, and forced him stop the process, due to the damming of the river with the original property and the 12 acres of oil rigs and cattle. By 1930, Jonas Simonis, Dan's father, was born into one of the great fortunes of West Texas legend. The story continues....

Texas Tall Tales

A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio . The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board . Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to .. the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the Rancher.

Flxible Bus for Sale?

It's always a hard decision when letting go of your favorite vehicle, and it is the present turmoil attacking Dan....time to get a new tour Bus.
"You reminisce the lean years, when it took you to literally your next meal. The gigs you had to meet, sometimes 2 days travel time. Every one that bus made it....every one...." Dan is getting teary eyed as he tries to speak it out. So many memories
"I mean....sniff....how can you put a price on that......sniff.....I'm sorry....can't...talk...now"

It's ok Dan, we put the sign up for you, and I am sure we will find the right owner for it. It's time now to look forward, to see the light on the horizon, to boldly go where.....I think you get it:













Take this beauty for instance, fully restored and and de-fleaed, it is but one option on the lot at Langtry Luxury Limos, who also carry these beauties:



But Dan has his eye on a fixer upper:




You see, Dan worked as a roady for The Texas Top Hands when he was 16. They gave him his first beer, Lone Star, and got him hooked up with one of the groupies who was 18. Yes, that is what caused him to get his own bus, the great times he had....yeah.....
But now, Dan has to get on board and find a new bus so the band can make some upcoming dates for the tour, places like Macdona Shooting Club, near San Antonio; Poteet Strawberry Festival, State Fair of Texas^qv in Dallas; Southwestern Exposition and Livestock Show^qv in Fort Worth; the Stompede and Rodeo in Bandera, Buccaneer Days in Corpus Christi; the Oil Show in Odessa, the Wool Show and Rodeo in San Angelo, the Stockman's Ball in Laredo, the Peanut Festival in Floresville, the Watermelon Jubilee in Stockdale, the Horse Show and Fair in Junction, and last but not least the rodeo in El Paso.
So anyway, he searched and searched and finally found the bus on the internet. It is still kinda iffy, its in worse shape than the present one, but he can't shake it. However, if you know of a flxible bus enthusiast that has one for sale contact Dan at dansimonis@gmail.com.

West Texas Millionaire Dan Simonis considers offer from California Cryobank

A California fertility company whose anonymous sperm donors bear uncanny resemblances to the prince, the swim god and other men of note has extended an offer to Dan Simonis of the West Texas Millionaires an undisclosed amount of money for him to be a donor to their Look-A-Like service.

"It's very tempting, and is an amount that equals a years wage" Dan commented.

California Cryobank's Donor Look-A-Likes service offers would-be parents the chance to search for prospective donors based on which famous face the sperm donor most closely resembles.

The names most frequently searched for on the Web site, Browne said, include actors Paul Walker, Ben Affleck and Scott Caan, and jocks Luke Walton, Jeremy Shockey and Brett Favre.

The company has recently become interested in Dan Simonis, after he and the band were out on tour and the interest Dan generated among the fans. "He is a study in what the classic cowboys like John Wayne and other greats had in the days of early movies. We knew we had to get that look that is rarely seen these days at other DNA match up centers."

California Cryobank is set to be fully operational within two months at a Park Ave. space, where potential sperm donors can go through a rigorous health and history screening process before finding out which celebrity they most closely resemble.

"I'm looking forward to working with them, they stated that there is the potential of needing up to 20 donations per week. I'll try my best to keep up to that goal, I know it's going to take alot out me, but I'm a trooper, I'm doing it to keep Americana alive and well"

It will also be interesting to see "copies" of Dan running around playgrounds all across America and Canada, all happy and yodelling....

West Texas Millionaires Forced to Liquidate Cattle for cd/tour

It was hard for Dan to liquidate his long time family run cattle business by half, due to the cost of his upcoming cd/tour. "I still have the costs of running it by the mixing crew in L.A. along with the art work and the expenses of my tour schedule and band members, not to mention the outrageous fees my public relations person, Gary LaForge, is scalping me for..."
But it had to be done, the cash market for live cattle was slightly higher when comparing the July price from Worthing to the June price from the Dan Simonis' Stockyards. The cash price tables now include an average price for slaughter steers and cull cows from the Dan Simonis Regional Livestock auction in Langtry. Quotes for culls graded premium white have been sporadic. The weekly stocker cattle prices were seasonally volatile during July and early August on thin trading volume.
So off to slaughter they go before the price falls again, Gary is keeping an eye on the situation to make sure all goes flawlessly in the auction pit, keeping a key ear to the auctioneer so that Simonis gets the highest bid. This process can take up to 12 hours of watching, but Gary is the man for the job.

West Texas MillionairesTest cd on Primates

Back at general headquarters in North Dallas, Dan Simonis reviews his options on the release of his new cd. Going over Customer surveys and music sampling of double blind testing audio, they have compiled the most comprehensive consumer response data equaled only by NASA. The results? Need more data.

And in gathering such relative minutia they will require the expertise of bonobos handler German anatomist Ernst Schwarz II whose father is credited with having discovered the Bonobo in 1928.

This primate is mainly frugivorous, but supplements its diet with leaves and hunts for meat from lower order primates, or that of small vertebrates, such as flying squirrels and duikers and invertebrates. Bonobos have also been known to practice cannibalism in captivity.

And that is where they play a vital part in packaging The West Texas Millionaires next album. You see, country music is not for the faint of heart, and recent observations in the wild indicate that the males among the related Common Chimpanzee communities are extraordinarily hostile to males from outside of the community.

Schwarz observed, however, that while West Texas Millionaire music was being played over loudspeakers in the the housing cages, that the male bonobos were actually reverting to docile behavior unlike their nature. Continuing tests will prove that Dan's music can tame the savage beast that shares 98% of human DNA.

The following footage is after 2 hours of Dan's recordings that included the classsic "Singing the cattle call" by Eddie Arnold:(click on "Eddie Arnold")

You can hear the obvious mimicking of that song by these gibbons. The research continues, and the ultimate effort is to put the most peaceful country album (click on "country album) out on the market, to quell the ongoing problem of bar room brawls that plague our nation. Now is the time that we need to come together and enjoy music for its richness in culture, and not be the sound track for a country mosh pit. Keep up the great research, and give a high five to those bonobos for us.

West Texas Millionaires Consider Cadillac Ranch Makeover

Dan was feeling patriotic, and was thinking just how he could give back to the community that has given him so much. He is now in route to the Cadillac ranch to offer Stanely Marsh 3 a restoration project for his Cadillac Ranch. "It just seems sad to see a part of our Americana wasting away in the Earth, a symbol of American style and class. I would like to see that they get a good makeover to take them off the "Clunker List".
He has made an estimate for Stan, and will do some logistics on repainting, and getting the dents taken out, thanks to Gilbert Bulger, of Langtry car and body. "I would think that it will take 25 to 30 years to do, but we are getting some good grants written up to dip into that TARP bill." Good job Dan, that's making sense out of another Obomba program.

Dan induces meteor shower

While Bisbee is being blessed by rain all night long and into the day, our beloved astronomer Dan Simonis is in Germany doing research of the Perseid Meteor shower. By observing and then playing his guitar, he has telepathically induced more activity than is usually seen. He honed this craft while attending a class in astronomy at the U of A back in 1979 when he was seriously considering it as a career:

The Young Simonis graduated Summa Cum Laude in Astronomy, but after noticing how he could affect the physical universe with his guitar playing one night, he decided that the power he wielded, must be developed, so he put astronomy on the back burner and stayed with the guitar.

This meteor shower is particularly well known because so many people are out camping during this period. For many of us, the highlight of the family camping trip was lying on our backs all night watching for “shooting stars” and being well rewarded for our vigilance.

Last night Dan was at it again, and the Perseid Meteor Shower produced an above average number of shooting stars. A crowd gathered to listen and watch the powers that be, and enjoyed the light show in the crisp night air of Germany.

Saturday Night Radio

Well, its Saturday night and Dan and the boys really want to get the new cd on the air, but have to wait till all the red tape is done with the record people and produces and what not. Or do they?.....
Back in the day, Dan was dreaming of the big time, of getting into his car and when he turned on the radio he would hear his song. Yeh, it was some dream, but then he had an idea.
Dan was living in Langtry in 1978 and was the proud owner of a 1963, P&H Spitfire mobile amplifier which used six, 12JB6 sweep tubes. It was still the hottest base station cb in all of Langtry and then some. Output was about 500 watts PEP. With a 50 foot tower, he could talk from his living room to people as far away as California on a good clear night. One thing was for sure, truckers on highway 90 heard him loud and clear, as well as truckers on highway 10, a good 150 miles away.
Well, one night he got his cb base station heated up and took his guitar, plugged into the amp and commenced to key down and play his originals. After each song he would key up to get the truckers response and not "stomp" on the channel. Well, the truckers really liked what they heard and so he would play another song, get the review and continue. Well that was good entertainment for truckers taking that long lonely highway with absolutely nothing around for miles, and that means radio stations as well. So Dan got popular for his Saturday night radio show.
30 years later, he is sitting at a friends house who has a 1000 watt linear base station and a 100 foot tower. The boys are all tuned up and are about to key down again! I hope the truckers are going to welcome KWTM to channel 18 on the dial...

"Possum Puspa"

This is the story of a fine fraulein from Fredericksburg. Her name is Puspa, and here’s the tale of her gettin the nickname, “Possum Puspa”.
You see, Puspa was a hard working girl in that Texas town, got good grades, worked part time at the Lady Bird Johnson Municipal RV Park, and on a Saturday night would party just as hard at Skooters Road House out on highway 87.
Well, as usual, she was ready to have a couple of longnecks and get out to boot scoot the night away, and at first all went well. But there had been an ongoing fuss between her and Bertha, now the bar maid but once school friends with Puspa. Bertha blamed Puspa for taking her boyfriend, Lucas, away from her, but that just was not the case. Lucus just felt they needed time apart for awhile...but the truth was she had been adding a little too much beer and sausage to her diet.
Well, when she found out the truth, she really pounded down the Rote Grütze followed by a Heineken chaser.
Bitter and bloated, Bertha always carded Puspa whenever she ordered a beer. And Bertha would wait just before the slow dance to have her now boyfriend and bouncer Max remove Puspa from the premise stating she had too much to drink.
Well, this time was going to be different. Puspa was ready for this, and had a plan. It was approaching the golden hour of 9pm when they played the slow stuff. Puspa threw back 2 shots of whisky for courage and waited for the inevitable gorgeous guy to ask her to dance. This night it was Dan Simonis. She never had seen him before and she got moonstruck. “This one’s gonna be my Lone Star” she said.
Well, just as they were making their way to the dance floor, Bertha noticed how enthraled Puspa was and knew she had to ruin it. “Max! Floor!” she screamed. Puspa heard the cue, knew it was the exit mode, but desperately did not want to leave Dan’s arms. But she did, grabbed an empty bottle, and made her way to Bertha.
The bottle made its mark, but there was plenty of pudding padding on her forehead to just daze her a little. She came around the bar to grab Puspa. Someone yelled "Look out!" but it was too late. By the time Bertha got around the bar, Puspa jumped on her back and dug all ten claws into her bleached blonde hair. The flying tackle sent Bertha reeling forward with Puspa on her back. She hit a table and they crashed over it, collapsing it onto the floor with all 220 pounds of Bertha.
The fall hurt Puspa, but she wanted Bertha’s blood. So she pretended to be knocked out, to give her a few seconds to regain. That is what Texans call “Playin’ Possum”
“That’ll show her” grunted Bertha as she turned to call Max to clean up the mess. But lo and behold, Dan was keeping Max diverted with a little of his own roadhouse roundhouse.
Puspa knew this was her chance, Bertha’s attention was diverted. So Puspa sprang off the floor
and with all of her weight clipped Bertha in the lower back with her shoulder. Bertha buckled from the pain, and rolled on her back. Puspa dotted both eyes, and asked if Bertha was ready for a truce. “Arghhh...my back...heck yeah I’m through”
Dan had disposed of Max as well and he came to Puspa, asked if she would like to leave that place and have some pie at Friedhelm's Bavarian Restaurant. She took his arm and the rest is history..

Dalhart Dan

Before Dan came into all that money, he earned a living either working 4 12 hour days on the family oil rig, or showing off his bull riding skills before cracking his hand from having it almost twisted off from the rope he was holding on to.
Well he is still in New York arguing with the producer about why he can't put his album out in blue vinyl, seems easy to me. So he will be missing his long time tradition of attending the XIT RODEO AND REUNION Held annually since 1925 in Dalhart, Texas, the XIT honors the cowboys who worked the ranch in its 1880’s heyday, when 150,000 cattle roamed more than 3 million acres. Known for the world’s largest free barbecue (as well as gratis watermelon and pork chop feeds), the festival also includes a rodeo, parade, dances, live music, and more.

One year he stole the show by winning the bull riding competition and got this little charm:


Then went directly over to the food barn and won the watermelon eating contest


Then took the stage for the nights leading musical entertainment

It was a night to remember, but alas, he will not be able to relive the moment due to going over photos for the album. Oh well, maybe next year...

Today's Tall Texas Tales

You know the routine, monday morning madness, gotta have a grin to bear it. So here goes:

A WOMAN WAS KICKED TO DEATH BY A MULE, AND A HUGE CROWD GATHERED for her funeral. "She must have been very popular," observed a visitor. "Hell, no," said an old-timer. "She was the orneriest old lady in the county. All these people just want to bid on the mule that was strong enough to outkick her."

THE SCHOOLTEACHER ASKED LITTLE JOHNNY A MATH QUESTION: "IF there were twelve sheep in a field and one jumped over the fence, how many would be left?" Johnny replied, "None." The teacher frowned and said disapprovingly, "You don't know arithmetic." Said Johnny: "No, ma'am, but I know sheep."

A PAIR OF TEXAS EAGLES WERE FLYING ALONG WHEN A JET PLANE SUDDENLY overtook them and landed not far ahead. One eagle said, "That fellow sure was moving!" And the second eagle said, "So would you if your tail was on fire."

Karaoke Nights

Its Saturday Night in New York City!!!!
So, What and where is the party place in Queens that West Texas Millionaires are debuting? Its the Nest! Yes, It is Saturday and the place to be on a Saturday Night! You see, Larry Compeleta, the originator of the event of Kareoke, came up with the idea 20 years ago when the Viet Nam Veterans fund was getting cuts in their funding. Ergo, the pub got the lead, and now, Karaoke was a hit!

Larry, who is in a motorized chair, blind with black shaded lens glasses, and is assisted with the tool of a vocalizer due to mucho cigarette smoking, opens every Saturday night karaoke with the tune "fun fun fun, on the autobon" by Kraftwerk. As you know, the tune does change key, and so Larry has to go to a higher pitch vibrator, like a blues man would with harmonicas. It is a gem to witness, and I know you will enjoy it. Dan and the boys will follow up with the new tunes from the new album, so if you can make it, you will be entertained to the max. THE MAX I TELL YOU!!

Millionaire Questionaire Answers

Howdy, here is the answers to the Millionaire Questionaire forum. Hope you are the top fan!



Answers

1. a, 3; b, 1; c, 2
2. d
3. the horny toad
4. c
5. a, 2; b, 5; c, 6; d, 7; e, 1; f, 3; g, 4
6. the King Ranch
7. a
8. Old Yeller
9. b
10. e
11. c
12. b
13. Cadillac Ranch

WTM in NYC

West Texas Millionaires are in New York City doing some music business for their next cd. They had a semi-business lunch at the local Queens bar named "The Nest". As Dan was doing the logistics with a music director, Roger was on stage singing Karaoke to Taylor Swifts, "Teardrops on my Guitar".
Every thing looks good for the band as they do the business end of this type of industry, and just trying to drive around Queens after hanging out in a little town like Bisbee can drive you nuts. Memories still serves when they had to go to the Garden for 3 night shows.

Roadside Assistance

Well, Dan is hardly out of the gate driving to New York, New York when his truck started giving him trouble. If any of you have made the waltz across Texas, you know that it feels like 4 days than 2. And you also know that you better have all your fluids checked and done everything in your power to make that trip.
Not Dan, nooo, that would take the ADVENTURE out of the equation. So there he is in Turkey Texas with engine troubles. Not major per se, he just forgot to put in coolant and now it is going into steam engine mode, and that then caused a hose to rupture, which sprayed the whole engine with what water was left.
One thing he did do was pay his cell phone bill and gave a call to Rhonda's Roadside Rescue for her expertise. Yes, She is an oasis in that Texas desert, rolling up in her rig to fix whatever is ailing your truck and make it allll better....


Dan was thankful, and stood there asking questions like, "What does that do"; "you call that a 'cresent' wrench?"; and a bunch of other questions about motorworks. After a few replacements and adjustments, Dan was back on the road thanks to Rhonda's help. So the adventure continues, and Dan is probably having breakfast at Ricky's Cafe in Chickashaw, Ok. as we speak.
Be safe out there Dan.

Today's Tall Texas Tales

A VISITOR ASKED A WEST TEXAS COWBOY, "DO YOU EVER GET TORNADOES around here?" The cowboy said, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it ran into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces."

THE WIND BLOWS SO HARD OUT IN WEST TEXAS THAT AT A DRIVE-IN THEATER once it blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle.

A LITTLE BROWN HEN GOT CAUGHT IN A WEST TEXAS WINDSTORM. SHE was flying through the air backward so fast that she laid the same egg three times.

IT WAS SO WINDY THE PRAIRIE DOGS WERE DIGGING HOLES FORTY FEET in the air.